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SPOILERS for Agents of SHIELD and Captain America: The Winter Soldier.

-


(We open on Phil Coulson, who is tied to a chair and has been severely beaten.  He weakly looks up as someone approaches him.  It is AMY ACKER, The Cellist.)

COULSON:  
Huh?  No, why are you here?  Oh wait...Whedon.

THE CELLIST:  
Oh, Phil.  At last we can be together.  We can experience all the things we never got to experience.

COULSON:  
What, like a backstory that isn't limited to off-hand comments?

(Amy gets closer to Coulson, stroking the side of his bloodied face.)

THE CELLIST:  
Please Phil, tell me how to get to Tahiti.

COULSON:  
It-it's a magical place.  Like Disneyland, but with more brain surgery.  (Freaks out) Oh god, flashback!  Let me die!  Damn you, Fury!  I'm going to bring YOU back from the dead and see how YOU like it!

THE CELLIST:  
(Smiles)
Now, let us make out, as people try to forget you played my father in Much Ado About Nothing.

(They start kissing.  The camera pans around them.  Suddenly, Amy Acker turns into Agent GARRETT.  Coulson opens his eyes and breaks away in disgust, spitting.)

COULSON:  
EW!  Pax-TONNNNNN!!!

GARRETT:  
Heh!  Gotcha, Cheese!  That's my nickname for you now, Cheese!  Get it, cuz "Phil"?  Philadelphia?  CHEESE?  Heh!  Who writes this shit?  It's brilliant!

COULSON:  
Oh god, let me die!!!

(Meanwhile, Agent SIMMONS is laid-up in a hospital bed, while Agents MAY and TRIPLETT sits beside her.  Simmons works on a laptop.)

SIMMONS:  
I can't believe Ward was a Hydra sleeper agent all this time!  But I've figured out a way to break his programming.  We have to say the magic words near him to wake him up.

MAY:  
"Magic words"?  What kind of scientist are you?

SIMMONS:  
Skye's on her way to confront Ward!  We need to tell her the magic words!

TRIPLETT:  
Well, I can't do it.  I have to take care of some black guy stuff.  
(Leaves)

MAY:  
Fitz is meeting up with her!  I'm sure he'll tell her...but then not help her in any way.

(We cut to SKYE, walking determinedly towards a destination.  FITZ jumps out of the bushes nearby, startling her.)

SKYE:  
Holy crap, I thought you were a Deathlok.

FITZ:  
What?  No.  That's stupid.  Deathlok?  That's dumb.  Stop being so dumb, Skye.  Psh.  Deathlok.  Dumb.  

(DEATHLOK walks up on Skye's other side.)

DEATHLOK:  
I'm a Deathlok.

(Skye and Fitz ignore him.)

SKYE:  
I'm on my way to a climactic confrontation with Ward!  Is there anything you wanted to tell me?

(Fitz opens his mouth, then pauses, thinking of how girlish and ineffective he appears when standing next to Ward.)

FITZ:  
...Kick his ass.

(Skye nods and keep walking.  Fitz walks in the opposite direction.  Deathlok looks back and forth between them.)

DEATHLOK:  
So I'll just...uh...alright then.  

(Deathlok looks around awkwardly and kicks some dust around.  Meanwhile in an undisclosed location, WARD and Garrett watch as a portal to Tahiti begins to open before them.)

WARD:  
At last, all our evil, evil plans will finally be... (pauses, looks to Garrett) ...what are we doing here again?

GARRETT:  
Heh!  Hell if I know, kid!  Do YOU know, Random Kree Tie-In-To-Guardians-Of-The-Galaxy guy?

(The camera pans slightly to the left, where a BLUE GUY is standing next to Ward and Garrett that we couldn't see before.)

BLUE GUY:  
Well, I-

(Blue Guy gets shot in the head.  Ward and Garrett turn around to see Skye, holding a pistol and another large object.)

SKYE:
I'm here to stop you and chew bubblegum.  And I've got plenty of bubblegum.  Would you like some?

GARRETT:  
Heh!  Sure, little lady!  I'll have some.  (Mugs at her)  "Gum's the word", heh-heh.  Wait...what's that?

(Skye shoots Garrett with a rocket launcher, exploding him.)

WARD:  
No, not Bill Paxton!  He brought a real sense of gravitas to this sh-HAHAHAHAHA, sorry I couldn't get through the line.

SKYE:  
Well, at least you're not so wooden when you're evil.

(They raise pistols at each other.)

WARD:  
Time to get grounded, Skye.

SKYE:  
When I'm done with you, you'll need to go to the emergency ward, Ward.

(The two rush at each other and clash pistols furiously.  The camera pulls out when the action gets too fierce, and you can plainly tell Ward and Skye have been replaced with their stunt doubles, who have completely different haircuts.  Meanwhile back at the hospital, Simmons is still working on her laptop.)

SIMMONS:  
I've programmed one of those flying CGI drone doo-bobs that we forget we have in situations where they'd be most useful.  It'll fly in and deliver the magic words to break Ward's programming...hopefully at a critical moment!

MAY:  
(Not listening, musing to herself)  
Isn't it funny how I play a better Chun Li in this show than I did in an actual Street Fighter movie?

(An obnoxious CGI drone buzzes past her face, startling her.)

MAY:  
Spinning bird shit!

(Meanwhile Skye and Ward continue their battle.  In the background, Fitz helps an injured Coulson out of the place.)

COULSON:  
Wait, we've got to help Skye!

FITZ:
But girl power.

COULSON:  
(Shrugs)
Yeah, you're right.

(They leave.  A CGI drone doo-bob flies in and hovers above Skye and Ward.)

CGI DRONE DOO-BOB:  
Pzt.  Ala-ka-boring.  Pzt.

(Ward suddenly snaps out of his programming, shaking his head in confusion.  Skye backs up, wary.  Ward looks at her with a stony expression.)

WARD:  
Skye?  Wha-what's going on?

SKYE:  
(Hesitantly)
Ward?

(The two embrace.  Ward is crying wooden tears.)

WARD:  
I feel like I haven't seen you in months.

(Skye kisses him, tearing up.)

SKYE:  
I love you.

WARD:  
I love...lamp?

SKYE:  
(Crying)
Close your eyes.

(Ward does so.  Skye takes a step back and tearfully shoots him in the chest.  Ward opens his eyes in shock and looks at the hole in his chest.)

WARD:  
S-Skye?

(Ward gets sucked into the portal to Tahiti as it closes up for some reason, leaving Skye alone and in tears.  Some teeny-bopper song starts playing that attempts to molest your heartstrings.  We cut to days later, where Phil Coulson walks into a restaurant.  He sits down at a booth, across from someone we can't see.)

PHIL:  
So everything wrapped up nicely.  Except the stuff that still doesn't make sense, but if we don't address it, it'll just make the fans angry.  And angry fans are happy fans.  But speaking of job security... (looks around nervously)  Can I be in Avengers 3?

(We see he is talking to JULES WINNFIELD.)

SAMUEL L. JACKSON:  
Shit, Agent, that's all you hadda say!

(Phil and Jules high-five and it freeze-frames on that image.)

THE END
I attempt to write the season finale of Agents of SHIELD.  SPOILERS for the show up to current and Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Add a Comment:
 
:iconjzlobo:
JZLobo Featured By Owner May 29, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
So what did you think of the real finale?
Reply
:iconmikepriest83:
MikePriest83 Featured By Owner May 29, 2014
Was okay.  More potential for next season, I think.
Reply
:iconjzlobo:
JZLobo Featured By Owner May 29, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I'm pretty jazzed for next season.
Reply
:iconmikepriest83:
MikePriest83 Featured By Owner May 30, 2014
Yeah, at the very least, the show has become something to watch because you want to, not because you feel obligated to.
Reply
:iconjzlobo:
JZLobo Featured By Owner May 30, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Huh... that's a fairly spot-on observation.
Reply
:iconjzlobo:
JZLobo Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Wow, something new from you for the first time in nearly three years!

Looks like Ward isn't mind controlled though. At least I hope not. He's a deadly-dull character at face value.
Reply
:iconmikepriest83:
MikePriest83 Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2014
Yeah, I know.  But I just did it for the Buffy references to work.
Reply
:iconjzlobo:
JZLobo Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Fair nuff.
Reply
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April 15, 2014
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