literature

Typical Episode of Smallville

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MikePriest83's avatar
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Literature Text

(One day, CLARK KENT is on the farm, doing journalism.)

CLARK:
Boy I sure hope I become a journalism one day.

(CHLOE SULLIVAN walks in.)

CHLOE:
CLARK! CLARK! CLARKCLARKCLARK!

(After several minutes of screaming, Chloe gets Clark's attention.)

CLARK:
Oh, it is my quirky best friend, Chloe.

CHLOE:
Clark! My cousin Lois is in trouble from Doomsday Davis!

CLARK:
Egads! I must save her without revealing my wonderful secret powers! For no girl I love can know about them!

CHLOE:
What about me?

CLARK:
FOR NO GIRL I LOVE CAN KNOW ABOUT THEM.

CHLOE:
Oh, right. I'll just go slit my wrists.

(Clark FLIES to where Lois is. No wait, not FLIES. He jumps so hard it looks like he's flying. No wait, he's under mind control for the entire duration of the flight, so he doesn't know he's flying. Meanwhile, LOIS LANE is being menaced by DOOMSDAY DAVIS.)

LOIS:
I wonder if that mysterious, Clark-shaped blur will come to rescue me? Who could it possibly be?

DOOMSDAY DAVIS:
Ragh, I'm a terrible idea!

(Clark crashes into Doomsday Davis and beats him somehow using superpowers in a clever way that Lois can't tell because she's a moron.)

LOIS:
Wow, Clark! That was super, man!

CLARK:
Thanks Lois, you know...I have a feeling I could possibly come to care about you at some unspecified point in the future.

LOIS:
Really?

(The two lean in to kiss. Suddenly, LANA LANG runs in from out of nowhere.)

LANA:
Clark! I'm done being Chun Li! Take me back!

(Clark abruptly turns and pokes Lois in the eye with his nose.)

LOIS:
Ow!

CLARK:
Lana! My one true love!

(Clark moves to embrace Lana, but suddenly glowing fissures of light begin appearing in the sky.)

CLARK:
Oh no! The space-time continuum!

(Clark promptly grabs Lana and flings her into the sun, thus solving the problem.)

CLARK:
Phew, that was a close one. Think I'd better sit down.

(Clark sits on a nearby chair, then suddenly collapses.)

CLARK:
No! The chair was made of meteor rocks! I'm dying!

LOIS:
Quick, Clark, have some water.

(Lois hands Clark a glass of water, who drinks it, then starts gagging and choking.)

CLARK:
No! The water was made of meteor rocks!

LOIS:
Oh no, I'm sorry!

(Lois moves to comfort Clark, but he recoils from her touch.)

CLARK:
No! Lois is made of meteor rocks!

(Chloe runs in with OLIVER QUEEN.)

CHLOE:
Clark, I brought someone to help you!

OLIVER:
Hi, Clark, I'm-

CLARK:
Batman?

OLIVER:
No. Green Arrow.

CLARK:
Green Arrow Batman?

OLIVER:
NO.

(Suddenly, LEX LUTHOR walks in.)

LEX:
Yo.

CLARK:
Lex! How ironic, that we, as former best friends, have become the bitterest of enemies!

LEX:
You made me bald. How else do you think we were going to end up?

CLARK:
I know. Must...maintain...Silver Age continuity!

LEX:
If we were maintaining continuity you'd have met Batman by now.

CLARK:
Shut up!

(Clark grabs Lex and flings him into the sun.)

CLARK:
(Narrows eyes while looking up)
He'll be back.

CHLOE:
Yay! You did it, Clark! Even though I'm not in the comics, I can't help but feel like an integral part of your history.

CLARK:
Not in the comics??

(Clark grabs Chloe and flings her into the sun.)

CLARK:
Anyone else?

(Everyone else slinks away.)

CLARK:
And now to walk around without glasses in public for awhile and tell people my name, so everyone commits my face to memory.

THE END!
Just a quick thing I wrote up awhile back in a discussion thread about Smallville on Bottalk. People found it fairly amusing. Perhaps it is!
© 2009 - 2024 MikePriest83
Comments25
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MindOnRepeat's avatar
Omg, YES! My dad days the show has NO PLOT (gasp), and this proves it!

#DieHardLexLuthorFan 😜