Sta.sh
I do not own Gundam or anything related to it. Bandai does. Don't sue.
Rated "R" for bad language and vulgar humor
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The Typical Gundam Seed Destiny Episode # 1
"Dummy's Guide to Cosmic Era Naval Battles"
or
"The Archangel Wasn't Even Supposed to BE HERE TODAY!"
(Open up on the ocean. An ocean on Earth. Not one of those filthy Coordinator fake oceans they got on them Sides…uh, PLANTs. The ZAFT battleship Minerva is about to enter combat with the special “Phantom Pain” Earth Alliance Forces battleship Girty Lue. We open up on the Minerva’s bridge.)
ARTHUR: Captain Gladys, with all due respect, this is insanity. We’re outnumbered and outgunned, let’s retreat!
TALIA GLADYS: Maybe it seems to YOU that we’re outgunned, but I’ve got a feeling we’ll be able to take em’.
ARTHUR: (Whines) But!
TALIA: Silence, you lapdog voice of reason! Send Shinn, Rey, and Lunamaria out! And in their mobile suits!
(Cut to the hangar.)
SHINN: Aw, man! I’m super-stoked about this fight. Maybe I’ll see Stellar again…
REY: Just remember Shinn, she is the enemy. Just because you guys had a “moment” or whatever doesn’t mean she won’t try to kill you.
SHINN: I don’t care! That crazy Extended chick is my one and only chance to get laid!
LUNAMARIA: Oh, I wouldn’t say she was your ONLY chance…
(Luna winks suggestively at Shinn. Shinn stares at her for a few seconds.)
SHINN: ……Why? Does your sister like to party?
LUNA: WHAT?
REY: Nice.
(Shinn and Rey high-five.)
LUNA: I fucking hate you, you angsty little twit.
SHINN: Yeah? Get in line behind the rest of the fanbase. No matter what I do, I get bashed, so I may as well continue being a dickhead.
(One of the random mechanic guys in the hangar, I dunno, the one with the gay hair, yells down from a catwalk above.)
RANDOM MECHANIC GUY: Yo, Shinji! I mean, Shinn! I mean, Anakin! Impulse is ready to launch!
SHINN: Hellz yeah, let’s do this thing.
REY: But first, let us reflect on what has brought us to this point.
(Long flashback to stuff we saw in Seed, followed by stuff we saw ten episodes ago, followed by stuff we saw last episode, followed by Shinn reaching for his dead sister’s detached arm, followed by Rusty being shot from the first episode of Seed. Cut back to Shinn, Rey, and Luna in the hangar. Shinn has tears in his eyes.)
SHINN: Sniff. Poor, poor Rusty. I’ll never forget that day.
(The three young ZAFT pilots climb into their mobile suits- Shinn in Force Impulse, and Rey and Luna into ZAKUs.)
SHINN: Shinn Asuka, angst away!
RANDOM MECHANIC GUY: WAIT, YOU FRIGGIN’ MORON!
(Impulse flies directly through the hangar door, blowing a big hole in Minerva’s exterior.)
LUNA: Uh…should we wait to be launched on the catapult or go out the hole Shinn just made?
RANDOM MECHANIC GUY: (Holding his head in his hands) Just go.
REY: Rey Za Burrel, lookin’ enigmatic!
(Rey flies through the hole, bashing some more metal off as he exits.)
LUNA: Lunamaria Hawke, hoping to be useful!
(Luna flies through the hole, bashing some more metal off the other side as she exits.)
RANDOM MECHANIC GUY: Ughhhhhh, I hate fucking mobile suit pilots. Especially that Zala punk we picked up recently.
ATHRUN: (Off-screen) Fuck you man! I’m in FAITH!
RANDOM MECHANIC GUY: (Yells back off-screen) No one cares! Now go on standby in Savior; Captain Gladys wants you out there if things go south!
(Athrun runs onto screen, and grabs Random Mechanic Guy’s shirt collar.)
ATHRUN: What, you think this pin here is a joke?
(Athrun indicates his FAITH insignia.)
ATHRUN: You think they just give these things away to whomever?
RANDOM MECHANIC GUY: Yeah, actually. That TM Revolution guy got one. And Rey and Shinn will probably get one too by the end of this series.
ATHRUN: (Pushes Random Mechanic away) Feh, well you have girly hair.
RANDOM MECHANIC GUY: Oh come on, so does EVERYONE in this friggin’ series. (Starts walking away) Except Cagalli.
ATHRUN: (Walks in opposite direction) Yeah, except Cagalli.
(We cut to the vicinity of the EAF battleship Girty Lue, where four mobile suits have just launched; Gaia, Chaos, Abyss, and a bright-reddish Windam- piloted by Stellar Loussier, Sting Oakley, Auel Neider, and Neo Lornoake respectively.)
NEO: Okay, team; today’s the day we take down that Trojan Horse!
STING: Why the hell did you call it that?
NEO: Cause…never mind. Let’s just go.
AUEL: Yeah, let’s do it fast, because I got all sorts of things to still do today before I go to sleep and forget what I just did today.
STELLAR: Stellar smash!
NEO: (Laughs warm-heartedly) Yes, yes- “Stellar smash”. You crazy kids.
(Force Impulse approaches the EAF mobile suits.)
NEO: Alright, boys and girl. Auel and Stellar- transform to mobile armor modes and engage Impulse. Sting, you and I will break through and attack the ZAFT vessel directly!
STING: Yessir, mister leader sir.
AUEL: (Calmly) Understood. (Breaks into hysterical laughter) I’m a SUBMARINE!!!
STELLAR: Stellar won’t die! Stellar won’t die!
NEO: (Admonishing tone) Just cause you say it a lot, doesn’t mean it’ll happen, dear.
(Abyss transforms to aquatic mode and dives under the ocean surface. Gaia transforms to quadruped mode and begins running on the water. Yeah, Gaia can run on water; why the hell not?)
SHINN: It’s Stellar’s suit! STELLAR!!!
(Impulse comes to a dead stop in mid-air. Gaia continues running towards it full-pelt.)
SHINN: Ah, she’s coming into my arms at full-speed!
(Impulse raises its arms, but Shinn’s forgotten that the hand’s holding a beam rifle.)
AUEL: Stellar, watch it!
STELLAR: Stellar WON’T DIE!!!
(Gaia leaps into the air and extends its beam blades. Impulse maintains its open arms-stance until Gaia’s only a few feet away from slicing into the suit.)
SHINN: What THE???? You crazy broad!!!
(Impulse quickly flies up and over Gaia as it barely misses with its beam blades.)
STELLAR: (Confused) Stellar…missed?
AUEL: Hugggggh, frickin’ genius over here.
(Abyss emerges from the ocean surface and transforms to mobile suit mode, unleashing a variety of beam attacks on Impulse. Shinn dodges them skillfully.)
SHINN: Ah ah AH! Fine then, if that’s how you wanna play it!
(Impulse returns fire, and soon both mobile suits are engaged in a deadly stock animation beam battle. Meanwhile, Neo and Sting approach Minerva; Rey and Luna’s ZAKUs are hovering around the battleship in defense.)
STING: Ah, only two ZAKUs? This should be easy.
NEO: Don’t underestimate them, Sting!
STING: Feh, not like grunt suits can do any damage to me anyway.
NEO: Also, stop foreshadowing; you’re going to look stupid.
(Cut to Rey’s cockpit. He gets a “Newtype” animation flash.)
REY: What the-?
(Cut to Neo’s cockpit. He too, gets a “Newtype” animation flash.)
NEO: AGH! What the hell was that?
STING: What was what?
NEO: Didn’t you see the weird flashy thing?
STING: “Weird flashy thing?”
NEO: I…never mind. It’s probably unimportant. A minor plot point that will be forgotten as fast as it’s resolved.
STING: “Plot point?”
NEO: Dammit, focus Sting!
STING: Right, right.
(Cut to Luna and Rey, readying for combat.)
REY: Stay focused, Luna. These guys won’t show any mercy. In fact, I’d say they are totally without it, as in utterly lacking mercy. Mercy? These guys ain’t got it.
LUNA: Thanks, I…kinda figured.
(A few miles away from the battle, the lone wolf known only as the Archangel approaches. A near-legendary ship, packed only with the most diehard of veterans, has taken a “neutral” position in this latest conflict between Earth and PLANT. We cut to the bridge, where Captain Murrue Ramius holds court with her most trusted of crewmembers; Lacus Klyne, Andrew Watfield, and Cagalli Yula Athha, and also some other guys who barely get a line the whole two series.)
MURRUE: Well, looks like we’re gonna have to mettle or they’ll kill each other.
LACUS: Definitely! The only way to get peace is through our constant nagging and interference. Peace, YAY! (Jumps up in a cheer)
CAGALLI: (Excited) I’ll go out in Strike Rouge. Once they see my bright pink mobile suit, they are sure to take serious notice and pay attention to what I have to say!
ANDY: I hate to be the wet blanket here, but won’t us butting in just make the battle more confusing and prone to meaningless tragedy? I mean, I’m only a combat veteran of hundreds of battles, but I’d like to think I hold some sway here.
(Murrue, Cagalli, and Lacus just glare at Andy.)
ANDY: Right, okay. I’ll just be quiet.
(Kira Yamato, pilot of the legendary mobile suit Freedom, walks onto the bridge.)
CAGALLI: Is it me, or did it just get more invincible in here?
KIRA: (Blushes) Oh you.
MURRUE: Kira-kun, we need to send you out ahead of Cagalli, to protect her and enforce the peace we will be laying down on their collective asses.
KIRA: Leave it to me! Nothing like the menacing specter of a nuclear-powered, mobile WMD looming over to push people into getting along!
(Kira turns to Lacus, who has a sad, longing look on her face.)
LACUS: Oh, Kira…
(Kira moves into a close embrace with her. They look each other in the eyes.)
KIRA: Lacus, I may not be back for awhile, so…
LACUS: (Leaning towards him, hopeful) Yes, Kira?
KIRA: Tape my shows while I’m gone.
(Kira abruptly breaks away from Lacus and walks off the bridge. Lacus has a disappointed look on her face. Cagalli walks up behind her and pats her on the back.)
CAGALLI: Don’t worry; he’ll get the message someday. Have you tried being a manipulative bitch towards him?
(Kira walks into the hangar, towards Freedom. Chief Mechanic Murdock comes up to him.)
MURDOCK: She’s all set to go. I cued-up some J-Pop and everything.
KIRA: Radical.
(Freedom prepares to launch.)
KIRA: Kira Yamato, being freakin’ untouchable!
(Freedom launches from the Archangel. Cut back to the bridge of the Minerva.)
MEYRIN: Ma’am! The Archangel has arrived and launched a giant, man-shaped robot at us! Likelihood of it being a mobile-suit… (Meyrin does some quick calculations on her console)…ninety-nine point eight percent!
ARTHUR: Good God, that’s almost a hundred-percent!
TALIA: We need back-up! Send a distress signal to our ship in Earth orbit!
(In Earth orbit, a ZAFT vessel rests. We cut to the bridge, where Yzak Joule and Dearka Elsman solemnly await for something, ANYTHING of significance to do.)
RANDOM BRIDGE DUDE: Sir, a distress signal from the Minerva! They need some back-up.
YZAK: Hot shit, FINALLY! I’m getting sick of just hanging around.
DEARKA: You know it!
YZAK: I mean, we’re freaking awesome pilots, we should be down there!
DEARKA: I hear that!
(Yzak and Dearka high-five.)
RANDOM BRIDGE DUDE: Er, wait, I’m also getting orders from ZAFT High Command. They say “send everyone out to help except Yzak and Dearka”.
YZAK: (Angry) Oh, what the fuck!
DEARKA: Why don’t we ever see serious action anymore?
RANDOM BRIDGE DUDE: Face it, sir, you guys just aren’t cool enough anymore.
YZAK: (Angry) Shut it, asshat!
DEARKA: (Sighs) He’s right. We’re not “with it”, not like these new kids.
YZAK: (Angry) But that bastard Athrun still gets a brand-new unit and a primo place in the opening credits! Fucking asshole!
DEARKA: (Laughs) Calm down, Yzak.
YZAK: (Angry) I can’t! It’s my character archetype!!!
DEARKA: Just as it’s in MY character to gently humor your childish outbursts.
YZAK: Well, anyway. Send five ZAKUs down to Earth to aid the Minerva.
(A descent pod launches towards Earth with five ZAKUs piloted by pilots.)
ZAKU PILOT # 1: Gee, I sure hope the fact that all our mobile suits are the same color and make doesn’t mean we’re characters of no consequence.
ZAKU PILOT # 2: You worry too much.
(Cut back to Earth, where the Freedom cuts off Neo and Sting’s approach to the Minerva.)
STING: Uh-oh! I have a feeling we’re about to be schooled!
NEO: Nonsense, my young friend. Now watch as I demonstrate how I earned the nickname “The Red Comet”!
(Neo’s Windam flies directly towards Freedom.)
KIRA: Headed on a suicide run? A shrewd gambit.
(The Windam just suddenly veers off and flies around Freedom.)
NEO: (Passing by) Nyah nyah! You stink!
KIRA: Oh nuts, he’s headed for the Archangel now! Ah, I’m sure they can handle it. I’ll just fight this guy.
(Freedom flies towards Chaos.)
STING: Dammit.
(Cut back to the Minerva’s bridge.)
MEYRIN: The Freedom appears to be fighting off Chaos now, and that Windam just flew off to engage the Archangel.
TALIA: What, do they think we’re not good enough to fight?? Meyrin, tell Athrun to launch in Savior!
ARTHUR: Who is he gonna target?
TALIA: (Inhales deeply, then screams in Arthur’s face) EVERYBODY!!!
(Cut to the hangar, where Savior prepares to launch.)
ATHRUN: Athrun Zala, tenuously with this faction!
(Savior flies out and heads out. Meanwhile, Neo’s Windam is fast approaching the Archangel.)
MURRUE: Uh-oh. This doesn’t look good.
ANDY: I’ll launch and take him down.
MURRUE: No, that would make sense. Cagalli, you go. Just don’t abandon us like you abandoned your nation.
CAGALLI: I’ll do my best. Although I still don’t think I’ve recovered from that head wound I got in the second episode. Everything seems a bit hazy.
MURRUE: I didn’t ask how you were, I asked you to launch!
CAGALLI: Right, right. Going right now.
(Strike Rouge launches from the Archangel.)
NEO: Oie, oie. What’s all this then?
(The pinkish-red mobile suit and the reddish-pink mobile suit square-off.)
CAGALLI: Stay away from the Archangel!
(Strike Rouge fires its beam rifle. But since Cagalli inherently sucks at everything, the beam is nowhere near Neo’s Windam.)
NEO: Ah, an amateur, eh? Oh well.
(Neo’s Windam just turns its back on Cagalli and floats towards the bridge of the Archangel. Strike Rouge continues firing at it, but can’t seem to hit even though the enemy is pretty much stationary.)
CAGALLI: (Crying) I’ll get you! I’ll get you!
(Casually, Neo’s Windam points a rifle at the bridge and opens a communications channel.)
NEO: Surrender, I’ve got you cold.
(Oh the bridge, Murrue’s eyes widen and Miriallia Haw looks up from her console in shock.)
MURRUE: That voice…could it be?
MIRIALLIA: That’s…impossible!
NEO: Yeah, well I make the impossible POSSIBLE...get it?
MURRUE: (Eyes filling with tears) Oh my God…it’s someone we thought was conclusively dead!
MIRIALLIA: (Eyes filling with tears) I can’t believe this.
(Neo looks confused, yet intrigued. In the background, Strike Rouge continues to fire at the Windam, but continues to miss.)
MURRUE: This guy is none other than…
MIRIALLIA: …TOLLE!!!
NEO: “Tolle”???
MURRUE: No, it’s not Tolle, Miriallia.
MIRIALLIA: (Crying) It’s NEVER Tolle!!!
MURRUE: (Turns back to Neo) Okay, well in any case, I’ve got a better idea. Why don’t you just switch sides?
NEO: Sorry, Bouncy, but it’s not that simple.
MURRUE: Oh c’mon.
NEO: Welllllllll…
(Suddenly, Neo’s Windam gets shot from the back and crashes into the ocean.)
NEO: ARGH! So much for goddamned “spatial awareness”!!!
CAGALLI: I hit him!!!
ANDY: Actually, that was me.
(Andy flies up in his custom Murasame.)
ANDY: While you guys were talking, I just launched. There are more ZAKUs on the way.
MURRUE: Uh-oh! They’ll make the battlefield more confusing-er! What’s Kira doing?
(Cut to the Freedom, which has Chaos in a headlock and keeps punching it in the head.)
KIRA: Stop hittin’ yourself, stop hittin’ yourself, stop hittin’ yourself!
STING: Oh man, fuck this. Why am I even in this series?
(Chaos self-destructs. Freedom is unscathed when the smoke clears.)
KIRA: Phew, thank God for my main character-itis.
MURRUE: (Yells over communications channel) Kira-kun, stop the others from fighting somehow!
KIRA: God, “Kira do this, Kira do that.” Doesn’t anyone care what I want?
LACUS: (Over the communications channel) I do! What do you want, Kira? Please tell me. Please.
KIRA: Wait, the descending ZAKUs are in range. Freedom, ikimasu!!!
LACUS: (Crying) Please, just tell me what you want me to do and I’ll do it.
(Freedom spreads its wings and heads towards the remaining EAF mobile suits. Meanwhile, the newly-arrived ZAKUs engage Abyss and Gaia as Force Impulse just hovers in the air nearby. Cut to the bridge of the Minerva.)
TALIA: What the hell is Shinn doing?? Why isn’t he attacking anymore?
MEYRIN: I’ve got the little turd on the radio now.
TALIA: Shinn, be a good attack dog and shoot Gaia down!
SHINN: I can’t! Stellar’s piloting it! I know you wouldn’t understand, but she’s really just a misunderstood, peaceful girl who wouldn’t hurt a fly!
(As Shinn is talking, Gaia slashes a ZAKU in half with its beam blades, killing the man inside in a horrible way.)
ZAKU PILOT: NAAGH!!! Now I know how Nicol and Heine felt! It comforts me not!!! (Explodes)
STELLAR: DYING IS BAD!!!
(Gaia transforms to mobile suit mode and starts shooting at the other ZAKUs.)
TALIA: Dammit, where is Athrun???
ARTHUR: Uh, Savior is a mile or so behind us. It appears to be doing barrel rolls and randomly transforming back and forth between modes.
(Cut to Athrun in Savior.)
ATHRUN: Wheeee! Lookit me!
(Cut back to Minerva’s bridge.)
TALIA: Well, fuck him. Shinn, fight the other one if you won’t fight Gaia!
SHINN: Oh. Okay.
(Shinn casually turns around and hurls a beam saber at Abyss, as the suit pops up out of the water. The saber impales Abyss through the cockpit.)
SHINN: Take that, you bi-polar bastard!
AUEL: Agh! You’ve cured my main character-itis!!!
(Abyss explodes in a ball of light. Suddenly, Shinn sees Freedom approaching.)
SHINN: What the-?
(Some J-Pop starts playing in the background out of nowhere.)
SHINN: Oh SHIT! An image song!!! We can’t win this!!!
KIRA: Damn straight, Kamille-lite.
(Freedom fires all its guns at random. Each shot manages to disable every weapon on Impulse, Gaia, the ZAKUs, and even Rey and Luna’s units which are still defending the Minerva some distance away.)
REY: Oh fucking COME ON.
SHINN: Ah! Launch Sword Silhouette!!!
(The Minerva launches the Sword Silhouette flyer. Impulse falls apart in midair, then undergoes a long, unnecessary transformation process, during which everyone just watches dumbfounded for about 30 seconds. Finally, it finishes and Impulse is in “Sword Silhouette” mode.)
KIRA: Amazing! It has different weapon packs for different combat scenarios! I’ve never seen the like!
MURRUE: (Over radio) Uh, you do remember what you piloted for the first half of last series, right?
KIRA: You mean when I had character development going on?
MURRUE: Yeah.
(Impulse brandishes its “Excalibur” twin swords.)
SHINN: Alright, ownage time, Freedom!
(Suddenly before Shinn can attack, Gaia flies up towards Freedom and transforms to quadruped mode, extending its beam blades.)
STELLAR: Stellar WON’T DIEEEEE!!!!!
KIRA: (Startled) Shit on a banana-split!
(Gaia slashes at Freedom, but Freedom magically dodges it or the blades don’t affect it or Kira shuts off the nuclear reactor or a wizard casts a spell of protection over the suit; in whatever case, Freedom doesn’t get hit.)
SHINN: Stellar???
KIRA: Before I do this, I’d like to point out that it’s purely in the interest of self-defense.
(Freedom’s rail guns shoot off Gaia’s front legs. Then Freedom’s beam cannons blow off Gaia’s back legs. Then Freedom combines his beam sabers into a longer, two-sided beam saber, and cuts Gaia in two. Then Freedom spins around, extends its wings so it looks all angelical and divine, and then promptly fires all its weapons into what remains of Gaia. The suit explodes.)
SHINN: (Screams) STELLARRRR!!!
(A ghostly image of Stellar, which only Shinn can see, appears before him.)
STELLAR: Don’t be sad. If I wasn’t mentally-deficient or something, I probably would hate you with the rest of the fanbase anyway.
SHINN: Oh Stellar, our tragic romance was destined to end in tragedy!!!
STELLAR: Uh, right. Yeah. So anyway, have fun.
(Stellar’s ghost fades away. Shinn grits his teeth.)
SHINN: (Livid) Freeeedommmmm!!!
LUNA: Oh crap; now the rest of Shinn’s potential was just jettisoned.
REY: Well, he’s just the way I like him now- fragile and easily manipulated. Go Shinn, he’s our man! If he can’t do it, no one can!!!
SHINN: RAGHHHHH!!!
(Impulse flies towards Freedom, but suddenly Savior flies in out of nowhere and positions itself between the mobile suits, forcing Shinn to stop.)
ATHRUN: Wait, Shinn!
KIRA: That red mobile suit that looks like all the ones that Athrun has previously piloted… could it be Athrun?
SHINN: Out of my way!
ATHRUN: No, Shinn, this isn’t the way to fight!
SHINN: Then what is?
ATHRUN: What? Aw, damn, I didn’t think of a follow-up scolding yet. Lemme see…
KIRA: Athrun, is it you? How ironic and unexpected that we, as best friends, are on opposite sides! Again.
ATHRUN: Kira, you guys shouldn’t be here! You’ll only make things more chaotic!
REY: (Speaks up from below) Uh…that’s already happened.
ATHRUN: (Turns to regard Rey’s ZAKU) God, I am so sick of you and your unyielding logic! It makes me wanna switch sides!
(Cut to Minerva’s bridge.)
TALIA: What are they all doing?
ARTHUR: They seem to just be floating around talking.
TALIA: Well, this won’t do. Use our big laser gun and shoot the Archangel.
ARTHUR: Why?
TALIA: Fucking question one more order, Arthur, I swear to God…
(Minerva’s giant positron cannon deploys and targets the Archangel. Meanwhile, the Girty Lue is just floating some distance away; the EAF battleship has seemingly been forgotten about. Cut to the Girty Lue’s bridge, where Captain Ian Lee overlooks the situation.)
LEE: Huh. Whelp, looks like we’re no longer a part of this. Let’s go commit more war atrocities while those do-gooders distract the ZAFT.
EAF BRIDGE OFFICER # 2: What about Colonel Lornoake?
LEE: Ahhhhh, he’ll be fine. He’s survived worse. Much worse. Much, much, much worse. In fact, one time he died, and some external force thought he was too cool of a character, and brought him back with no questions asked.
EAF BRIDGE OFFICER # 2: Really?
LEE: Well, that’s how I heard it.
(The Girty Lue just turns and flies away, with no one being the wiser. Meanwhile, the Minerva fires its positron cannon at the Archangel.)
KIRA: Ah, shit!
(Every mobile suit avoids the blast, but the Archangel appears to be doomed. Cut to Archangel’s bridge.)
MURRUE: Ah, shit!
(Suddenly, Neo’s damaged Windam flies out of the water and positions itself right in front of the Archangel’s bridge, blocking the enormous blast with its shield.)
NEO: I don’t know why I’m doing this, but it really seems familiar! HUH?
(Neo gets a flash of memories of his life as Mu. The positron shot ends, destroying the Windam’s shield, but leaving it intact. The Windam turns to Archangel’s bridge and Neo opens a communications channel.)
NEO: My God…I remember, Murrue! That blast must have been some kind of memory-restorer beam!
MIRIALLIA: (Speaks up from her chair) No, sensors indicate that it was just a normal positron blast.
NEO: Oh…well, I guess I just remembered stuff then.
MURRUE: (Teary-eyed) Oh Mu…
NEO: Murrue…
(Suddenly, Strike Rouge crashes into Neo’s Windam from above, sending them both into the ocean.)
CAGALLI: Ha-HAH! I got ya that time!
MURRUE: Cagalli, you stupid…
LACUS: Ah, they’ll be fine now that Mu has re-contracted his main character-itis. In fact, I’d say Mu should be perfectly unscathed…save for a few badass anime scars on his face.
MURRUE: (Smiles) Yup, none of us ever get seriously hurt or disfigured as long as we all have main character-itis.
(Cut to Andy in his Murasame. He looks down at his fake arm.)
ANDY: What the fuck…
(Cut back to Minerva’s bridge.)
TALIA: Well, that didn’t work. Oh well. Order Shinn and the others back. Gilbert has some fancy new stuff for them.
ARTHUR: Translation; Bandai needs us to push more model kits.
(Minerva sends up retreat flares. Cut back to the mobile suits.)
SHINN: NO! I’ve still got a score to settle with Freedom!
REY: You can do that another time, Shinn!
SHINN: But…
REY: C’mon, killer. You’ll beat em’ next time. Who’s the best mobile suit pilot in the world?
SHINN: (Smiles) I am.
REY: That’s right. Now let’s get back to the Minerva and I’ll give you a heterosexual backrub and we’ll discuss how much you rule.
SHINN: Kay.
LUNA: (Sighs) Now I see why cloning is illegal…
(The ZAFT mobile suits retreat. Savior lingers behind.)
ATHRUN: Man, I’m ditching those noobs and hanging with the cool kids again. Kira, can I join back up with you guys?
KIRA: (Smiles) Ah, we could never say no to you, Athrun. With your blue hair and your constant settling for less and all.
MURRUE: (On radio) Everyone; return to the Archangel! Chairman Durandal is making a statement on TV!
(Later on the Archangel’s bridge, everyone has gathered. Even Neo/Mu is there, although he is still wearing his mask. Chairman Durandal appears on the TV in front of a large audience.)
DURANDAL: Hello, my countrymen and the world. I just have a few things to get off my chest, but first, I’d like to nuzzle this small puppy.
(Durandal reaches down and picks up a small cute dog, and rubs it again his cheek and kisses its forehead. The puppy licks him in return.)
DURANDAL: Who’s a good dog? Who’s a good dog?
(We hear the audience going “Awwwwwww”. Durandal puts the dog down.)
DURANDAL: Okay, now that I’m done with that, Naturals need to either die or become our slaves. That’s why I’m declaring war on the Earth! It is time for Homo-Superior…uh, I mean Coordinators, to take their rightful place as the ultimate evolution of humankind!!!
AUDIENCE MEMBER # 1: Hey, he’s makin’ sense!
AUDIENCE MEMBER # 2: Let’s blindly endorse whatever he does!
AUDIENCE MEMBER # 3: Gilbert, WHOOOOO!!!!
(Cut to the Archangel bridge.)
ATHRUN: Man, I used to think he was cool.
KIRA: We’ve got to stop his plan for a better world for all of us! It’s way worse than all that genocide the EAF has done!
LACUS: Don’t worry; I still hold sway with the people of PLANT. I’ll just broadcast a message of peace.
(Back to Durandal on the TV.)
DURANDAL: And to prove that I am irrevocably, undeniably in the right, here’s our very own Lacus Klyne to speak her thoughts on my new plan!
LACUS: WHAT???
(Meer Campbell, dressed as Lacus Klyne takes the podium as Durandal steps aside.)
MEER: Ahem. Yes. Me am Lacus. Me am like Gilbert’s plan. It am good plan. Now me shake me cans to music.
(Meer starts dancing to some music that starts playing in the background. The audience at PLANT is totally enthralled.)
LACUS: This is preposterous! No one would believe that she is me!
(Lacus turns to see everyone on the Archangel’s bridge looking at her.)
LACUS: What? What’s wrong?
ATHRUN: (Eyes narrow) How do we know that you are the real Lacus Klyne?
MURRUE: Yes, the two are identical. We could have an imposter in our midst.
LACUS: Are you fucking kidding me?
(Lacus whirls to face Kira.)
LACUS: You know I’m me, right? Right, Kira? RIGHT?
(Kira looks slowly at the dancing, bouncy Meer on the TV, then at Lacus in front of him, then turns back to the TV, then back to Lacus.)
KIRA: (Shrugs) Maybe we should kill them both to be sure.
LACUS: WHAT?
MURRUE: (Nods) Lacus Klyne is indeed the most powerful weapon in existence. She can sway any group of people to any cause.
CAGALLI: There should be some treaty signed, that voids the use of Lacus Klyne in warfare.
LACUS: You people are insane! Insane!
(Lacus grabs Kira by the shirt.)
LACUS: (Pleading) You know what I look like Kira, right? After all, you are familiar with every contour of my body, right? You’re always looking at me when my back is turned, right? RIGHT? God, why won’t you touch me???
KIRA: (Points at TV) I’d touch her.
LACUS: RAAAAAAGH!
(Lacus jumps at Kira, but Andy and Mu each grab one of her arms and hold her back. She starts foaming at the mouth.)
LACUS: I’ll kill you! I’LL KILL YOU ALL!!!
ATHRUN: You are really not helping your case at all.
(Andy and Mu drag the kicking and screaming Lacus off the bridge. Everyone watches them go. After a beat, Kira turns to Athrun.)
KIRA: Well, whatever the adversity, we’ll triumph together, united in our belief of peace on Earth and the known reaches of outer space! But not beyond that. Aliens can go fuck themselves.
ATHRUN: (Smiles) You bet, old friend! We’ll fight together, at least until I get sick of you people and switch sides again!
KIRA: I wouldn’t want it any other way.
(Everyone laughs.)
THE END
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